First Annual Clunker Classic

The First Annual Clunker Classic for us American boys started like this; Friday, July 12th happened to be my Birthday and as Tory was worked friday from midnight to 8 am and I worked day shift we arranged that tory was going to pack the bikes up and I would ride Tang to work instead of Cool Hand Luke, Tang has tried to kill me previously (go tang !) by popping the Zip tie on the front of her hairpin saddle and dumping me backwards between the rear wheel and the seat post (Side note there is more than ample room to cram a full grown man folded in half through this space in the rear triangle) but she promised she would be good this time and I promised in return to be good to her....aperantly I wasnt good enough (duh!) because at some point dring the ride her saddle twisted slightly off center (not much) but enough that when I came back down on it i managed to squish my left testicle, not bad it didnt hurt much at the time, but by lunch time I was near vomiting and wound up going to the emergency roomfor fear that i had twisted my nut. (sissy!!) I spent the next 6 hours in the emergency room and after many nurses palyed wiht my balls they all came to the conclusion that I was fine in the long run just in for a painful weekend, they gave me a medical report that i am still proud to say specifically states "Bike related trauma"and "testicular pain started slowly while biking to work" at any rate instead of leaving at 5:30 I got back to the dorms at 7 or so with a bottle of pain pills in one hand and specific orders form a docteor telling me not to ride a bike. I found Tory who had given up waiting and gone to bed> I woke him up and Got bruce and we managed to pull together and go to the shopette gas up the car and get 2 cases of big becks a loaf of bread some bologna and some cheese for the weekend and off we went. the ride down wa mildly uneventful, Bruce managed to drink himself into unconciousness in record time and me and tory got damn near Giddy from a combination of pain pills (me) and sleep deprivation (tory the driver) 6 hours later we showed upa t the camp ground and parked the car it is now 3 or 4 am and everyone is asleep . as soon as the car was shifted into park the hole-hearted drnking started !! so we creep through thsi dark campsight wiht shielded flashlights in one hand and beer(s) in the other . trying to find some clunkers so we know where charlie is camped, after perering at nearly every pile or stack of bikes int he damn place we walk up to some old postal bike upside down out in the grass several yard forma tent and another cantilever frame crusier upside down on the other side, we decide that this is the place and then we heard a drunken/tired voice form inside the tent say "tory?" we woke up charlie and no doubt everyone within earshot as we whispered drunkenly and clanged tent poles together finally getting our tent erected we crashed out and woke up the next morning (with last night's empty beer bottles nestled in our arms) 3 hours later and immediately popped open fresh beers, rode around the campground after assembling the bikes then decided we were going to move to the other campground, we loaded our crap back into the car and then road around to the other campground...im nto sure who was the sober one that drove the car over to the new camp but it sure as hell wasnt me and i dont think i ever saw bruce sober when we wasnt in uniform and even then.... at any rate we reset up our camp and rode around for abit then decided it was time to get lunch and REALLY start drinking.  we ate a liquid lunch at the Ship Inn (a great pub in the small town of porlock) then we went up the hill just a little ways for a prerace ride, it was drizzling the streets were slick and at several points had gutters that crossed them. the pre race ride went great I amanged to (unwitingly) get cool hand luke into a two wheel sideways (un) controlled slide slid  into the gutter ont he side of the road where the tires caught and the bike stood back up wiht the intentions of flipping ot the outside i bounced off a well placed brickwall wiht my forearm and managed to complete the turn without stopping or being in total control at any point every gutter would send my front tire skipping into the air and I would manage to fall back into control jsut in time to hit another one I slid to a stop at the bottom of the pre race ride second form last bruce came in behind me with wee little bike shifting gears wihtout his consent at will occasionally pitching his foot off the pedal wich was funny to see and we rolled back to the ship for a not liquid lunch when we got back to the camp site the rest of the crowd began to show up and around ummm im not real sure what time anything was at this point the details were getting fuzzy, at any rate I rode cool hand luke off of the hood of the grenade(my car) and bent his forks out so i just layed him down and stomped them back into position the race started witha grand total of ummm somewhere between 7 and 9 riders on the way up the hill my forks got worse bashing into the babyhead sized rocks and the logs that lay across the trail. By the time we got to the top of the hill my forks had bent, twisted and contorted in ways undefinable to the normal chopper they didnt splay out like a normal chopper is expected to. they twisted so that whenever any weight was applied to the front tire the whole mess twisted 90 degrees to the left. During the picnic at the top of the hill I decided that my bike was unrideable so I intended on stealing wee litle bike and ditching bruce at the top. We ate a picnic lunch and were lounging about trying to get ourselves motivated "liquid courage" while this was going on some poor guy road up on a road bike Charlie was quick on the attack, he jumped up, ran over and immediatly set to harrassing the guy

this is like 6:30 am after we got there at 3am

Above: Charlie admiring wicked

Above: Charlie directing the pre race bike assembly (always a treat) Left: Charlie  "Fixing" his crank

Bruce enjoying his first test ride  of Wee  Little Bike  bit too much

This is me being god like, Check out that scenery

With our protective gear in place we  paused to reflect before  mounting up for our post assembly test rides some people reflect in different ways......id bet bruce remembers most of his stay in england through the bottom of a bottle

after  what seemed like an eternity we get to the top of this hill and have a picnic lunch. after this the leman's style start takes place. in the whole "winning is for loosers" theme of the race it's a good three minute before anyone actually gets on a bike.  confusion sets in quick as bikes are mounted and tossed and crashed . i managed to crash on top of dean after misjudging the heighth of a ditch. i popped my front tire and broke his seat. i couldn't stear, but he couldn't sit down. just like wicked to take some one down with her !! my lack of controled quickly spireld, out of controle.... as my rear tired ended up going flat also..  you wouldn't think two inch wide rim w/ out tires on them would kick up a lit of dirt. well, let me tell you, they fling crap like a chipper shredder on soft pine the week after x-mas. poor wicked ended up ratteling her self topieces. the king pin of the springer fork wasthe first togo dropping the ground clearence from a once comfertable six inches at the front chainring to a more "plow-like" negative one. i keptgoing and augering myselfinto rocks and what not untill i clipped a rockw/ the left pedal bending the crank into the left chainstay. in disgust i picked her up and threw her into a near by creak. i ran the last couple miles.

jared  managed to ditch coolhand luke at the top of the hilland walked down. he picked up wicked and carried her over his back ( she could not roll any more!) we gathered all around at the barandtalked about the triumphs and woes of the race, along with our plans for the future.

back to main page

bad-ventures

klunker klassik II